Erik: H5N1, it's really great to have you here. How was the trip?

H5N1: To tell you the truth, I don't remember too much of it. I was dormant inside of a duck. Flying makes me nervous, you know?

E: I hear that, H5N1.

H5N1: Please Erik, you can call me the Asian Bird Flu.

E: Okay thanks, and you can call me Erik. Oh snap!

H5N1: [groans]

E: Didn't like that one huh? Okay the Asian Bird Flu, first question: What's with all the killing?

H5N1: Good question Erik...

E: Thanks, I thought it up in the shower this morning. I was just lathering myself in a blanket of soap—no offense, I know you don't like that "Soap" guy very much—anyway, there I was, just swimming in suds when...

H5N1: Do you want me to answer the question or not?

E: Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Please, all the killing; why?

H5N1: Well, you might call it a natural form of population control, you could call it God's wrath, I like to think of it as a calling card; something that separates me from the rest of the pack. Take away the 74% fatality rate and I'm just your regular - run of the mill, fever, cough, sneeze, miss a couple days of work, and then spend the next week telling everyone that you meet about the terrible flu you had - flu. The killing makes me special.

E: Fair enough, but why people?

H5N1: I don't follow.

E: Look, I understand wanting to kill chickens. They are mean, nasty, dirty animals, that really are good for nothing except barbecuing and the eating of their unborn ovum. So why not just stop there? Aren't you worried that by hitting cats, pigs, tigers and people, that you run the risk of spreading yourself too thin?

H5N1: I was concerned about that at first Erik, but someone once said to me, "If you don't take risks, you won't achieve your dreams."

E: Oh, who said that?

H5N1: I don't remember his name, I killed him. Besides, I'm working on a strain of myself that makes me highly contagious, so that I can be easily spread. Then it's just a matter of sitting back and letting my victims do my work for me. The only real grunt work is on the startup end. That's what I'm sludging through right now.

E: Good stuff, but come on, tigers? You were recently responsible for the death of almost sixty tigers in a zoo in Thailand. I mean, I guess I can give you cats, pigs, and even some poor, old people, who can't speak English, but tigers are so cool. What do you want to kill tigers for?

H5N1: It's just an experiment really. I'm branching out. When is the last time you heard about a disease wiping out the tiger population?

E: Um... never... I guess.

H5N1: That's what I'm saying, I'm just going for the gold here.

E: Well I suppose I have to respect that. Okay, time for the speed round, three questions in three seconds. Are you ready?

H5N1: Bring it!

E: Question 1 - Who do you consider your greatest mentor?

H5N1: The Bubonic Plague.

E: Question 2 - How many people, in total, do you hope to kill?

H5N1: Sky's the limit, but I'll be disappointed if I don't get at least 25 million.

E: Question 3 - What is that dry, scratchy, soreness I feel in the back of my throat?

H5N1: Just ignore that, it'll all be over before you know it.

E: Great! Thanks for everything, the Asian Bird Flu. It's been great talking with you. I must say you have a very "contagious" personality. Zing!

H5N1: [groans]

E: Not a big fan of the humor are you? Well, good luck with your little project, and don't be a stranger.

H5N1: Don't worry I won't.