Little Town of Ireland, Part II

. Storyteller: New Year’s Eve 1891. It is now two years later and after an unmentionable incident involving the grand canyon and some burros, DannyBoy and Everhard return to New York, where they find themselves back in the same predicament they’d faced years before: drown in the persecution aimed at Irish immigrants or go to work for the ruthless crime boss Joey “Big Joe” Mertzioni.
Dan: Oh, they can overcome the persecution.
Storyteller:Shush. Determined to avoid the horrors of persecution, such as attempting to steal their lucky charms and constant requests for access to their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow….
Erik: Everyone in this story sounds like they’re really stupid.
Storyteller: That’s how people were back then. Let me continue. Mertzioni quickly contracted DannyBoy and Everhard to “off” rival Polish crime boss Stu Luthinski, who owned the local brothel and had an unusual fetish for food.
Dan: That’s the guy from the docks!
Erik: I love the docks.
Storyteller: Unable to convince Mertzioni that they would make much better chimney sweeps, than hit men, the two friends trekked downtown to the Five Points.
Mel: Where’s the Five Points?
Storyteller: No one really knows, but if you watch Gangs of New York, you’ll get the general idea.
Mel: Oh, that’s the movie with Daniel Day-Lewis! Is he in this story? He’s hot!
Storyteller: No. Daniel Day-Lewis is not in this story.
Mel: Well, that would make the story a whole lot better. He would give DannyBoy and Everhard good jobs. I saw In the Name of the Father. Daniel Day-Lewis is always nice to Irish people.
Storyteller: You know, we have a lot to get through before midnight.
Mel: He was so sexy in In the Name Of The Father.
Storyteller: When DannyBoy and Everhard entered the Slaughtered Lambs pub, they immediately saw Luthinski sitting at a table with his back to them and eavesdropped on his conversation. “Oh, this rabbit stew is extraordinary. The flavors of the onion and the meat and the carrots…oh it’s a lovely orgasm of flavors…” Suddenly, a familiar voice came from the table...
Mel: Was it Daniel Day-Lewis?
Storyteller: NO! “May I have a bit?” are the words they heard and the voice belonged to none other than the woman they both secretly loved, Maggie Delaney.
Dan/Erik: (sighing) Maggie Delaney.
Storyteller: Maggie now worked as the madame for Luthinski’s whores. DannyBoy and Everhard knew that if Maggie saw them that their cover would be blown. What should they do next:
A) Ask Stu Luthinksy to sample his stew.
B) Smash a plate over Stu’s head and rescue Maggie
C) Grab Maggie and run out of the bar, away from the city without looking back.
D) Hire some whores and spend the night being pleasured by some professionals.
Dan: Let’s ask the audience.
Mel: Ooooh, the audience…
Storyteller: Seriously? You guys can’t decide yourselves?
Mel: All right audience? Which is it? A) Ask Stu to sample his stew? B) Smash a Plate over Stu’s head and rescue Mel..I mean Maggie? C) Run out of the bar, away from NYC never to return? Or D) I’m not going to ask that last one.
Dan/Erik: I will. Erik: All right, think long and hard about this one: Hire some whores and spend the night being pleasured by them.
Storyteller: OK CHOICE LETTER it is. Upon hearing Maggie’s voice, Dannyboy and Everhard quietly rose from their seats. Suddenly, Maggie spotted them and exclaimed,“OH MY GOD, YOU TWO?” The two boys stood frozen in place as Stu Luthinski turned around as if time had slowed down roughly 32 percent.
Erik: Wait 32 percent?
Storyteller: YES! Once Luthinski spotted them, his mood turned sour and he demanded to know why such mick scum, such blarney stone licking, whiskey stumbling, fairy-loving, Paddies…
Dan: All right already!
Storyteller: Why they were in the bar. DannyBoy somehow spit out, “we couldn’t help overhearing how delicious your stew was…Stu…and we were hoping you’d let us try it.” Luthinski shouted back in a deep, groggly voice, “YOU THINK YOU”RE WORTHY OF TRYING MY STEW?” Quickly, Everhard pulled a plate from a table and smashed it over Luthinski’s head, knocking both Stu and the stew to the floor.
Erik: Yeah, Everhard Boy!!
Storyteller: They grabbed Maggie and as they tried to flee the bar, Maggie stopped them, begging them to rescue her two whore friends who were locked in the attic.
Dan: All right! Whores! Get the whores!
Mel: Dan!
Dan: Sorry….(whispers) Get the whores!
Storyteller: They found the whores and fled the City with stolen horses. That night as they were camping out, DannyBoy and Everhard seduced the whores, who, grateful for the rescue, were more than willing to oblige while Maggie watched.
Erik: I love this story.
Dan: Fucking sweet!
Storyteller: Before anything could happen the two whores, one with red hair, the other with black, imparted a secret to their suitors.
Erik: Oh, Boy, a secret!
Storyteller: The red headed one whispered softly into their ears She thanked them for the rescue, and then admitted that they’d been locked up by Luthinkski because they had syphilis and a slight case of leprosy.
Erik: Ah, motherfucker!
Dan: I know this story was too good to be true!
Storyteller: Upon hearing this, DannyBoy, Everhard, and Maggie took the mature way out and snuck away with the horses in the middle of the night, while the two dirty diseased whores slept. As they crept through the night, Indians suddenly jumped out from behind some buffalo, tied them up, and brought them to a village known as Mamaroneck.
Mel: Hey, I’m from Mamaroneck!!
Erik: No one cares, Mel.
Storyteller: The stereotypically savage Indians tied them all to a totem pole and it looked like the end.
Dan: Were they going to get scalped?
Storyteller: Stop interrupting me. Two members of the tribe crept towards them with sharp objects…closer and closer they came and whispered in their ears, “We need your help. Will you help us?” They nodded yes. “Great. I am Chief Cantrell and this is Squaw Night Walker, we are actresses trained in the Meisner technique…take us to New York and we will spare your lives.”
Mel/Erik/Dan: Awesome.
Storyteller: DannyBoy, Everhard, Maggie and the girls soon found themselves back in New York, and using Big Joe’s information from the first chapter on running a successful comedy venue, now presented the two women to the burgeoning theatre scene with their not so original announcement: Ladies and Gentlemen—
Dan/Erik/Mel/Enk: Walker and Cantrell!!

To be continued in Little Town of Ireland, Part III.