Day One

-PRETTY STRUGGLING WRITER SKS GENEROUS BENEFACTOR
for ongoing mut. Ben. Relationship. Intelligent, sexy, funny- the whole pckge! (Serious artist – NOT a gold digger)-

First of all, “PRETTY STRUGGLING” is bad grammar. It should be “MOSTLY STRUGGLING” or “KIND OF STRUGGLING” or “STRUGGLING A LOT OF THE TIME.”

Secondly, I don’t know what SKS is supposed to mean. Does it stand for SUCKS? PRETTY STRUGGLING WRITER SUCKS GENEROUS BENEFACTOR? That sounds more like a tabloid headline to me than a personal add, and yet my attention is suddenly peaked… until I get to the "ongoing mut. Ben.” part. Now the question is: what is "mut." short for? The only word I can think of is “mute.” I’m only left to conclude that she is looking for a “mute” whose name is Ben. Well… well…look who’s little Miss Picky now. I’m thinking she’s not going to be receiving a lot of responses with standards like that, plus the whole bad grammar thing. I’ve never met a single mute Ben in my life, not saying they’re not out there, just saying they’re pretty hard to come by. Plus, I don’t think he’s probably reading the “Voice,” on account of the title staring him in the face and painfully reminding him that he will never be able to communicate through spoken word.

But let’s move on. Next we find out that she’s intelligent, sexy, funny- the whole “pckge!” Unless of course you count vowels as part of the whole package. She also mentions nothing about knowing sign language, which, I think is going to play a pretty big part in Ben’s decision to go out on a second date with our sucking writer.

Now we get to my favorite part. What the hell does being a serious artist have to do with digging for gold? I was unaware that one hinged upon the other. I mean someone should tell this lady that the Gold Rush ended like a hundred years ago and that nobody actually goes digging for gold anymore, except little kids and crazy hermits in Wyoming.

Well, it doesn’t look like this one stands much of a chance, and certainly not from me. I’m not even going to respond. I’ll move on to the next one tomorrow.

Day Two

Alright, as promised, it’s back to the Village Voice personals to dissect a few more desperate cries for companionship:

-45 year old Female seeks unhappily married caucasian man 48-58. Must be financially & emotionally secure, kind, generous normal & have intestines.-

Must have intestines? At first I was a little confused and put off by this criteria. But… when you really start to think about it, it makes sense. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’d like to think that whoever I end up with down the homestretch or even just for a date, will have the ability to break down and digest food, and also be able to relate to various intestinal quirks, such as gas pains and gurgling.

Also, I would not want to constantly worry about saying the wrong thing; like I’d be sitting there towards the end of the meal, and we might have run out of small talk, so there would be this really awkward pause, and I would maybe try to squelch it with a fun trivia fact, like: did you know your small intestines, if unraveled, could reach all the way around the world? (I don’t think this is actually true, but my fun trivia tends to fall on the fictional side when I’m nervous.) And then she would start crying or something, and I would realize what I’d done and try to comfort her, but accidentally just spill red wine all over her dress, right where her intestines used to be, so that it would remind her of how much blood there was when they got ripped out by that shark in the Florida Keys. Yeah, I think this woman is on the right track. I suppose this kind of thing is worth clarifying; although, I do have to wonder how many dates she's had with intestinless men, to make her feel it necessary to mention it as a requirement.

Furthermore, I am not unhappily married or even happily married. I’m not particularly financially and emotionally secure or generous, and I’m not sure about kind- I don’t even know how you judge whether or not a person is financially and emotionally kind to tell you the truth. And normal… yeah, I’m pretty normal, I mean I’ve got all my organs, but I’m not going to answer this one.

Day Three

And it’s back to the drawing board, and time to pour through the Village Voice personals once again. Today’s add is completely out of left field:

-BLACK CAT
Beautiful, mysterious, stern, dominant WF 36, needs worthy, very successful Male for uncomplicated discreet serving.-

Somebody want to explain to me what the hell this one is all about? Here’s what this says to me: I have a beautiful, mysterious, stern, dominant BLACK CAT, and What the Fuck: it’s 36. It needs a rich man to serve it on the DL with out too much complication.

I know what you’re thinking: Why does this “serving” process have to be so discreet, right? But remember, the cat is mysterious, stern and dominant, and it’s also 36. There’s just no telling what a beast with that kind of mystery, aggressiveness and age would do to someone who made a lot of noise when opening a can of cat food (which by the way is one of the least complicated things ever – I think that whole “uncomplicated” part is just a waste of words), or the damage it could do to a male who was unworthy or broke.

You just can’t trust cats, especially the beautiful ones, and I don’t like to encourage people like this, who are clearly in search of pet services, but don’t think twice about just going around, interrupting and complicating the sincere attempts of those looking for true love with other human beings. Besides, I’m allergic.

Day Four

One more day on the Village Voice personal pages. This is sort of becoming an obsession with me. Today, I’m feeling really optimistic though. I think that we might finally find a really quality add to respond to today. Let’s take a look shall we?

-ARPEGE ANGEL
A night flight to paradise. Jazz hop & add a little color to your life. Can you make my heart pound with your mystery & music? Dark eyed Italian a+ -

Had to google “ARPEGE.” Seems to be some kind of perfume - PERFUME ANGEL: not really my thing. Maybe if she was a BEER ANGEL or a DVD ANGEL I’d be more excited.

“A night flight to paradise
Jazz hop and
Add a little
Color to your life.”

Sounds like the lyrics to an Eddie Money song to me.

And then this: “Can you make my heart pound with your mystery and music?” Nope, but I do like to do this thing where I run up ahead of you and then disappear, so that you don’t know where I am, but really I’m just hiding behind the corner of some building or maybe ducked behind a medium-sized bush or something, so that when you walk by, I jump out and shout something like “RAPE!” That usually gets people’s hearts pounding pretty good.

“Dark eyed”- don’t care.

“Italian a+”- So now you’re bragging about your grades? Well I took Spanish and I got a C-, what’s your point? Are you trying to say you’re smarter than me? Maybe college wasn’t only about grades for me. Maybe I learned something other than book-knowledge. Maybe I learned how to survive in the real world and talk to people in social settings… when I’m drunk. I don’t need this PERFUME FAIRY’s little judgment being passed on me. Hope she finds what she’s looking for, because she’s not going to Take Me Home Tonight.

Day Four

I’ve been thinking that I may be going about these personal ads the wrong way. I'm concerned that I'm possibly being too meticulous, and that just reading one of these a day is going to get me nowhere. It's been suggested that I quickly try to scan through several of them in an attempt to find a proverbial “gem” in the haystack. So, I’m going to throw caution to the wind, and do a little speed round of the Village Voice personals. Fingers crossed, efficiency don’t let me down.

-FEELIN' GROOVY
Spiritual long haired brunette Wiccan artist/poet, 50, 5'5", 145, sks LONG HAIRED, N/S, M 30-45, to shr music, humor, arts, woods, Pagan holidays. LTR.-

I looked this up people, a Wiccan is not someone from Wisconsin, it’s a witch! Yeah, feelin’ groovy until she turns you into a frog! And, dear Glenda, why don’t you explain to me how one goes about sharing or should I say “shring” woods?

And Pagan holidays? Look, I’m all for them if I can get off work. “Won't be coming to work today Sir, the planet Jupiter is reflecting beams across the universe today, gotta go eat some children.”

I don’t have long hair.

This one is a disaster.

Next!

-APHRODITE'S LOVE POTION
Barbie Doll Princess w/ lips on fire seeks musician, songwriter for electrical connection. The moon in Venus, divine inspiration, a flow of romantic poetry-

Barbie Doll Princess w/ lips on fire?!?! That’s not going to be attractive. Trust me, I stole my neighbor's, Beach Barbie when I was eight, and lit her face on fire… she did not look good. Assume then, that you add to that an “electrical connection”? Pretty good chance of blowing yourself up. No thank you. I don’t even need to get to the next sentence, which is good, because I have no idea what she’s talking about in it. Next!

-ATTRACTIVE BELLY DANCER
Ex Medical Student, Turkish Airline hostess, 5'3, bl/hzl. Wants to meet prof'l M, Doctor, Lawyer, Author for Sincere friendship.-

Ha! I would love to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation with her parents. “Um… Mom… Dad? You know all that money you’ve spent on medical school? Well, seeing as how I’m an attractive belly dancer, I thought I’d be better off dropping out and becoming a Turkish Airline hostess instead. I already bought a hookah.”

I’m not interested in quitters.

Next!

-Very pretty, classy lady, early 30s loves sports, restaurants & the finer things in life seeks rich gentleman. I'll take very good care of you if you take exceptional care of me.-

Wait a minute here. So I have to take “exceptional” care of you and you are only going to take “very good” care of me? Do you also have some sand that you can trade me for some nice top soil that is more conducive to growing life than sand? Is this a bad analogy? See what these people bring me to?

Next!

-PRETTY FORMER MODEL
who is an Evangelical Christian ISO of an accomplished Christian Male with good moral values for marriage.-

Do I really even need to say anything here?

I’m done with this. It’s hopeless. Perhaps out there somewhere is the prfct SF who SKS and FKS and is ISO of ME and we can enjoy ech othrs cmpny… and then become unhappily married, and enter into some other mut. ben. arrngmnt on the side, and the viscous cycle can continue. Until then, I’m going drinking.