Dean Koontz's Velocity scared the crap out of me but only gets four stars while Danielle Steel's Miracle pulls off just three, as I feel it was just more phoned in than some of her earlier masterpieces. A Long Way Down by Nick Hornsby left me wondering what he was doing talking about New Years Eve and suicide instead of telling me crazy backstage stories from his days playing with The Grateful Dead, and I'm sorry, but Dan Brown's brand new snooze-fest, The Da Vinci Code had me bored to tears after the first ten pages

So here we are, left in a literary void of printed works (books), screaming for John Grisham to come and whisk us all away to the exciting world of Southern cooperate law, but the louder we scream, the bleaker it gets.

However, today I have with me a silly little book that is putting forth a an “e” for “effort” in trying to change all that; a book that has seemingly had the “public” so enchanted these past few years as to stomach through it's 5 predecessors in anticipation for this one: the newest and greatest book of the Harry Potter series, aptly titled, Harry Potter Finally Bangs Some Bitches. I'm kidding that's not what it's called, but its real title has escaped my memory for the moment... and can we all just sing along together in a big chorus of “Who the Hell Cares”?

Okay let's get this started.

Erik: Harry Potter and the Fire Breathing Stone of Golden Wizard Town Castle, thanks for being here with me. Mind if I call you Harry?

Harry Potter and the...: Actually that's not my full name.

E: Oh come on, I'm sure it's close enough. Your real name probably starts with Harry Potter, followed by “and the,” and next comes some ridiculous mythical object like a dragon or mystic stones or potions, something like: Harry Potter and the Diamond Flute of Bilbo Baggins.

HP: Bilbo Baggins? That's Lord of the Rings.

E: Same thing. It's all Dungeons and Dragons crap anyway. Let me guess the plot. You go on an adventure at your gay little wizard school during which you play an exciting match of field hockey on brooms, and finally do some sort of genius magic shit that saves the day from Alan Rickman.

HP: Have you ever read any of the Harry Potter series?

E: No, but I saw the first movie, and most of the second.

HP: Really?

E: Okay fine, I saw bits and pieces of the first and I can't actually remember if I saw any of the second... but I'm pretty sure I did.

HP: No, I mean, you really have never read one of us?

E: Of course not... loser. Do I look like I live in my parents' basement and do nothing but smoke pot all day and dream about fantasy lands full of elves and puppets and shit?

HP: Erik, millions of normal people have read and loved the Harry Potter series. We've set records every time one of us has come out, and chances are, I won't be any different.

E: That's just because you also have the teeny-bopper crowd. All those 16 year-old girls falling in love with Harry and fantasizing about him doing things with his magic wand. They love the New Kids on the Block and they suck; they love Care Bears and those suck; they love glitter and that sucks. This is the same thing.

HP: The first book has sold over 300 million copies worldwide Erik, that's more than just some teenage girls. That's twice the population of Russia.

E: Russia huh? Well you won't catch this American reading any communist mumbo-jumbo.

HP: Fine, it's more than the population of America! Why can't you just admit that we are a cultural phenomenon and that there might just be something to us? Everyone in the world isn't just going out and reading us because it's about magic or because they just got high in their parents' basement, it's because we are really entertaining books.

E: That's what the Nazi's said about Mein Kampf.

HP: WHAT?

E: Whatever, maybe if I have the time I'll check you out. Happy now? But I feel like you are going to be a lot like that stupid police show where the guy is always trying to beat some clock, and since I missed the first one, I never have any clue about what's going on in the next one.

HP: Well maybe you should read the other ones first.

E: Unbelievable! Look buddy, I don't have time to sit around and be criticized about how much I read. I got things going on you know? This interview is over.

So in parting my friends, if you know how to read, and you like pretentious, communist, Nazi journals for teenage girls that happen in real time, then by all means run out and pick up your copy of Harry Potter and the Fortune Cookie of Chinatown. I'll be here holding my breath for The Pelican Brief part 2