Somewhere under this garbage heap of responsibilities, however, there is one glimmering treasure: the open bar. If the wedding to which you're invited does not have an open bar, you have the right to check the "no, will not attend your stingy, cheap-ass wedding" box just on principle. Weddings, you see, are not about the couple getting hitched -- they're about the following:

With these goals in mind, it's important to understand the guidelines around a wedding's open bar. Let's begin with the ceremony:

If the bride and groom truly care about their guests, they'll make this part of the experience the swiftest. They will cut out long sermons and any religious messages whatsoever (not all of us share your belief that smashing a glass under your foot or magically changing the chemical composition of wine into human blood actually relates to this new union). A good wedding ceremony should last 15 minutes -- 10 if it's not the first wedding for either bride or groom. If the ceremony inches one second past the allotted time, you have a right to open the flask and begin swigging. You should never bring mixers, ice and a blender into the ceremony to make, say, margaritas because a) the sound of the blender may drown out the end of the ceremony and b) it's just in really poor taste.

If the bride and groom really care about you, they will have their reception in the same location as the wedding. A good wedding reception will be divided into four parts:
1. Cocktail hour
2. Dinner
3. Dancing and Drinking
4. Dessert

If the reception does not have all four, it is your responsibility to insert that itinerary item yourself. For example, if the reception has no music and, therefore, no dancing, you should stand up to give a toast and turn it into an impromptu a cappella rendition of "Sweet Child Of Mine" while forcing the groom and his mother to dance together. In the end, this will be remembered fondly and probably grant you reprieve from any weddings you would have been invited to in the future.

Cocktail Hour
Quickly make your way to the bar before anyone else and order a typical pre-dinner cocktail -- something you can drink several of because you don't want to get sloppy by mixing your spirits this early in the day. Stick vodka or rum based drinks (vodka tonic, rum and coke, etc). With drink in hand, it's time to gorge on the hors d'oveures. You should only be slightly buzzed from the sips during the ceremony, so use this time to sop up some of the alcohol depleting your liver with chicken satay, cheese cubes and mini-quiches. Don't be shy, either. It's perfectly appropriate to take two items off any tray because you never know when the waiter's going to come back. Definitely feel free to take the last item off a tray, even if you're holding several of them in your hands already. This is not the time to socialize and make friends -- that will happen at your table. As the cocktail hour ends, make sure you make it to the bar in time for one more drink that you can bring to the table.

Dinner
Lucky for you, the bride and groom have randomly assigned you to a table with the most awkward , dissimilar people you've ever met. Good thing you've loosened up with a few cocktails. There should be a glass of champagne on the table as well as a wine glass (some weddings, the better ones, have bottles of red and white wine already on the table). As tempting as it might be to chug down that champagne immediately -- those bubbles are tantalizing, aren't they -- you should wait for the toasts. This is why you've brought your cocktail from the bar. Though they say dinner is served, your table will be the last to receive food, so there'll be plenty of time to extend your own personal cocktail hour before breaking into the wine. Since you'll have ordered the beef course -- that will be the most expensive item on the menu and you do deserve the best -- stick with the red wine. It'll pair nicely. In fact, just place the bottle right in front of you. If people try to pour themselves wine, let them because these are your potential hook-ups later in the evening.

Dancing/Drinking
By the time dinner's over, your buzz should have evolved into actual inebriation to the point that you're convinced you can not only dance, but that you should lead the charge to the dance floor during Meat Loaf's "Paradise Under the Dashboard Lights" for a "duet" with the bride's sister/brother whom you've never met. After sweating out the pre-dancing cocktails and wine, it's time to shimmy up to the bar for some post-dinner cordials. Typically, the brown spirits are what you want to go for -- a smooth single malt scotch or some bourbon are the way to go. While it is an open bar, you should tip the bartenders because if you're nice to them, they will keep serving you after the bar closes. Hopefully, your dance partner is imbibing with you, so feel free to invite yourself to to his/her table and take his/her annoying neighbor's place just in time for....

Dessert
You're going to want to bring a couple of full drinks to the table for dessert -- unlike dinner, there will be no alcoholic beverages set out for your enjoyment. At best, you'll get coffee. Everyone will get a slice of wedding cake and, if you're still hungry after the dinner rolls your downed while waiting for your meal, feel free to eat a slice. If it's particularly good, look for empty seats around the dining area and take those slices for yourself. it's only fair that you have them, they're just going to be thrown out anyway. As you eat your cake, flirt with your dance partner and try feeding him/her from your fork. This will create a sense of intimacy and propel your quickie relationship further. As dessert ends and the help ushers you out, ask your dance partner out for a post-wedding drink at a near-by bar...from there, the rest is up to you. Good luck.

Oh, and one more thing: If black tie is required for all guests, the bride and groom are pretentious assholes and no one should attend their snobby-ass, society page, ballroom dancing bullshit ceremony.